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Having a weekend off really seemed to do me a world of good. I needed to just cope for a little while, uninterrupted by the other concerns of life.

Siriah )

I know that it's going to take a long time to come to terms with this, and it's not going to be easy. But I've been taking things one day at a time, and I've managed to make it through so far.

I've started feeling more like myself; my appetite is starting to come back, and I'm able to sleep most of the night through. I'm still dead tired, but it's progress. I think even the daily crying helps, in its own strange, therapeutic way.

I don't think the pain will ever totally go away, but that's something that I'm prepared to live with. Even if it hurts, Siriah will never be forgotten.


Siriah
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I just got off the phone with my mom.

Siriah died this afternoon.

I'd like to think that I'm a strong person...And I know that life is going to move on anyway, regardless of how I feel.

But right now, I'm definitely not okay.
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I fell asleep on the floor again last night. I guess it's a good thing that I did because it was Siriah's whining that woke me up. So I took the dogs out at about seven thirty this morning, which was nice because I've been seeing some beautiful sunrises lately and because the weather was gorgeous. I had to run with Mari through the dewy grass but it was very refreshing.

So then I took Siriah upstairs with me so I could sleep in a bed. My mom said that I could sleep in her big four-poster while they're out of town, which is a lot of fun. It's big enough to fit three of me comfortably so I can really stretch out.

When I woke up again, I felt like I was on fire. The thing about my mom's room is, it catches full sunlight most of the day. And I had turned off the air conditioner because I don't need it that much at night. If that wasn't bad enough, I was (and still am) running a fever. It was the hottest hour of the day, and the dogs needed walking. I think I almost burst into flame out there.

So when I got back inside, I turned on the air conditioning and sprawled out, mostly naked, on the cold tile floor. It wasn't dirty, I wasn't dirty, I'll shower later. I wasn't the only one suffering. I had to sit up and fan the dogs with an old newspaper. When we had all cooled down enough, I got up and had vanilla and orange sherbet twist icecream for breakfast.

I've learned that people develope all sorts of strange quirks when they live alone. I have a feeling that this is the way I'm going to live most of my adult life. It's nice to be able to do whatever I want, whenever I want. But it -is- lonely.
sangre_fria: (Default)
Well, I'm still alive. My dog is still alive, bless his heart. For a paraplegic, he still has some spunk left to him. He's spending the night in the animal hospital so he'll be more comfortable, but I miss him so badly. Whenever I see movement out of the corner of my eye, I always turn around expecting to see Siriah.

There's going to be a transit of Venus (Venus eclipsing the sun) tomorrow morning from about 7:05 to 7:25am. The last time it happened was in 1882. We're lucky that we'll get to see it because everyone living from Texas to Hawaii won't be able to. Don't look directly at the sun, people! ^.~

The SAT was -lots- of fun. Please note the sarcasm. Thank you. The day before, my mom made me take a three-hour practice test. I got a 1490 on it. If I had guessed on one more question, I would have managed a 1500. But my mom was happy, so I was happy. I was stuck standing outside afterwards for about thirty minutes because the teacher giving our room the test was an SAT Nazi and we got done early. Richard walked by, his mom already drilling him about how the test went. I got to talk to Evan, and we discussed how little sleep we got the night before and how we had both slacked off when it came to test preparations. He told me that he had flunked the Physics exam, but still managed to get a B for the semester. After laughing and joking about Bruner for a good five minutes, he took his leave. Then it started raining, and the people partying in the parking lot ran for cover. That was fun to watch while it lasted. Then my mom pulled up and I got into the car. Then she started drilling me about how the test went. Eventually, I mentioned how great it was that it was all over. She apparently thought that was a good time to tell me that I would be taking the ACT in a few days. Joy.

Everyone's been acting strange lately, myself included. So what's up, guys? The full moon was -last- Thursday. I guess summer causes dopamine to flood our brains. I read my horoscope for today out of curiosity and it made me laugh. "No, you're not crazy -- a friend is acting totally out of it these days. Maybe they're just (cue the sappy music) in love. Oh, well -- no reason to take it personally. One of these days they'll come back down to earth." Well...I didn't want to -say- anything...
sangre_fria: (Default)
The Red Guy seems to be doing alright today. From what I understand, he isn't getting any worse. The vet called and said that he had been trying to pull some strings to get us an earlier appointment with the orthopedic specialist. God bless that man.

In other news, I'm trying to get together an online SAT study group for sometime today or tomorrow. Probably tomorrow. Is anyone who is taking the SAT on Saturday interested? Maybe even those of you who are taking it in the fall will want some extra practice. I have lots of practice problems and the answers so hopefully we'll really be able to make some progress. Let me know ASAP and we'll figure out a time or several times that are good for everyone who wants the practice.
sangre_fria: (Default)
I have been crying all day.

Every time it happens, it feels like the first time. People around me just have to stand back and watch me break down. First, in front of the vet. Then, his assistant/nurse. Then, my mom. My sister, my grandparents, the lady in the waiting room with her poodle...

I've watched the veterinary shows on Animal Planet, where the family brings in their pet and the vet discusses the heart murmur and the spinal injury and the surgery that could fix them but is far too expensive to afford. And then the kid that owns it starts crying and makes the vet wonder why he chose to become a physician. And of course you feel sorry for that family and their pet but when the show is over, you go on with your own life.

I've watched my friends lose pets, and tried my best to comfort them with useless words like, "it'll be alright". I've hugged them with that sense of bewildered concern that people feel when they can't understand a loved one's grief.

And now, I am that silently sobbing kid in the vet's office. I am that friend whose heart can't be reached by well-meaning words.

How can you keep living? How can you let go of someone you grew up with, someone who was always there for you, someone that you love so deeply that you can't even imagine being without them? How can you explain to someone who has never experienced it, what it's like to hold your best friend in you arms while he's trembling and whining and refusing water and panting for breath and you know that there is absolutely nothing you can do for him? How do you describe how you feel when you have to leave him for the night and you look into his pleading brown eyes and kiss him and tell him that you'll see him tomorrow but when you turn to leave he tries to drag himself up to follow you because he thinks that you're abandoning him?

For those of you who don't know, people's hearts don't break. They are crushed. You chest tightens more and more until you can't breathe and all the water is squeezed out of you, leaving your mouth dry and your cheeks damp.

The vet will see him again on Saturday. He said that there may be a slim chance of recovery, but he made it quite clear that it was a -very- slim chance. I want to hope for the best but there's always an intense fear lurking in the back of my mind and I still cry at the tiniest trigger.

I'm sorry for water-logging the journal. This entry was for my benefit only so please feel free to ignore it. I do feel a little better now.

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May 2008

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